Health

Even though health should be one of the most important things to me; it's not. I would not claim to be healthy. I struggled with anorexia for a long time and even now when I consider myself 'recovered' I still do not eat enough on some days. Most days.However, I have improved a lot and I am proud of myself. 

On Thursday, I had blood drawn to get some tests done and guess what? I have low cholesterol; like, so low that it's not a good thing. I didn't even know it was a negative thing to have extremely low cholesterol. I kind of thought that was the point. But apparently, it is not. Additionally, low cholesterol is associated with depression, anxiety, and cancer. Wonderful. 

Also, another red flag appeared on my results, I'm overweight. How I have low cholesterol but am overweight, I will never know. But, unfortunately, by my BMI's standards, I weigh too much. my BMI should be like 24.9 and I think it's 25.7 or something like that.And boy, that is a trigger for my anorexic tendencies. I am trying very hard to not let it get to me and to just ignore that sick feeling I get when I think about eating and food and gaining more weight. 

I want to be healthy. I need to start making better decisions for my health. 

In the new year, I'm going to be giving up meat. I'm going to try to be a vegetarian. 

Presence

I find myself wanting to sleep a lot. A lot, a lot. It is getting really bad. I'm so lethargic and exhausted and the world seems dark and cruel and I don't know what the point is. I know, that got off to a very depressing start. But I won't keep it that way.

I am going to start working on staying present and positive and looking forward with a bright outlook. I may wake up in the morning unsure of where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life but as Hannah Hart stated in her My Drunk Kitchen video I watched last night:

It's about the journey, not the destination.

I'm not living life to get to the end of the game, I'm living life and I only have one of these so I'm going to stop wasting it on being sad and confused.

Smile, smile, Amber. Keep your chin up and just keep swimming.

Pause. Resume.

As you may have noticed, I have not posted anything in quite some time. A lot occurred in my life over the past five months. I am hoping to continue posting every day from this day forward. The reason that I stopped writing was because I was so...disgusted with myself. I broke up with my boyfriend and I demonstrated my very questionable morals for a few months, but we got back together and now...I'm here.

When I was young I had such a disillusioned view of love and relationships. I wanted to leave my home and immediately get married and start having babies and buy a big house and be a domesticated housewife. I don't want that anymore. I don't know what I want. But that's not it. At least not right now. I want adventure. I want travel. I want to learn new things, try new things, meet new people. I want to expand. I don't want this boring life.

I would love to be a travel blogger honestly. I want to learn new languages and open my eyes to the world out there.

I finished my Communications class on Thursday with an overall score of 99. I am proud of myself. I worked my ass off for that score and I hope to put the same amount of effort into my next class as well: Communication Theory. I will achieve my goals and I will not be held back.