Mood Swings

At the end of last year, back before I moved from Richland to Harrisburg. I was seeing a therapist. I was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder. After this diagnosis, I abruptly quit seeing this therapist because I moved and the commute to therapy once a week was too long and I didn't really have the money to afford the costly appointments any longer. 

However, I have not been able to seek any sort of treatment for my issues and I only feel that they have gotten worse as time passes. I feel like my symptoms are more and more pronounced; even if only to me. My mood swings are the worst, by far. Everything I feel is an extreme reaction. I do not feel anything halfway. My anger and sadness are the feelings I'm having the most trouble with. I'm having a hard time controlling myself and my actions and I can sense that my girlfriend is very concerned. 

When I feel anger, it is in my shoulders and back. It builds in my muscles; coiling around my bones. It makes it hard to breathe and think. I just want to scream, or run, or do anything that will wear out my body because the energy that is trapped is far too much for me to contain for too long. 

Sadness is different. Sadness is heavy and it chokes me. I turn to tears easily and I usually cannot stop them from falling down my face. Crying helps. But not for long. And these dips into melancholy evenings are exhausting. I am worn down by my day and usually collapse into my bed, a blanket over my face and sobs stuck in my throat. I try to hide my feelings often but my girlfriend is not blind, she is not dumb, and she recognizes my violent swings into different moods. 

I don't know the trigger that pushes me over the edge toward one feeling or the other but I think I am overwhelmed and I do not know how to get away from it. I cannot get a hold on my life and I'm tipping precariously into a territory that I do not know how to manage. But for now, I am on the precipice. For now, I am okay. I am taking one day at a time. 

I go to sleep and I wake up and I do yoga to center myself. I ground myself and remember how to breath. I build myself up from the wreckage from the night before because; most likely, I will fall apart again in the evening. The sun starts to disappear and so does my resolve. 

I am working on staying whole in the dark. 

Writing helps.  

Directionless

07.25.2020

I think that, in order to have "purpose" in my life, I need to have goals. I need to have a direction to run head first in. I crave something to look forward to. Without it, I am just floating through the days mindlessly. I am repeating the same day over and over and over again and it is driving me insane. It is making me feel empty. I want something to work for. I'm at a crossroads now and I am trying to decide on what direction I want to go in.

Do I take a class? Do I get my Medical Assistant certificate? I'm a GI Technician now and that is sort of similar, so it could be beneficial to get that certification. Should I get involved in a sport? I've been considering getting into boxing, or jiu jitsu, or rock climbing. Something physical that would make me feel better about myself and also get me up and moving. Something to get better at.

I've had a path to follow for so long. Moving, then moving again, then getting a new job. It all distracted me from boredom and kept me going. But now I'm going to work everyday to a job that is much easier than I anticipated. I am exhausted from work every day but part of me wonders if that is because I don't have anything to do after work. I just lay down on the couch and veg until I fall asleep and nap for an hour and a half.

I don't know what to get involved in. But the place to start is to research different things. I don't have a lot of money right now. Not until I get up and going with the pay at my new job, so I need to find something that is not too expensive for the moment. Or, at least, not too long standing. If I only have to make a one time large payment for a class, that may be doable.