Health

Even though health should be one of the most important things to me; it's not. I would not claim to be healthy. I struggled with anorexia for a long time and even now when I consider myself 'recovered' I still do not eat enough on some days. Most days.However, I have improved a lot and I am proud of myself. 

On Thursday, I had blood drawn to get some tests done and guess what? I have low cholesterol; like, so low that it's not a good thing. I didn't even know it was a negative thing to have extremely low cholesterol. I kind of thought that was the point. But apparently, it is not. Additionally, low cholesterol is associated with depression, anxiety, and cancer. Wonderful. 

Also, another red flag appeared on my results, I'm overweight. How I have low cholesterol but am overweight, I will never know. But, unfortunately, by my BMI's standards, I weigh too much. my BMI should be like 24.9 and I think it's 25.7 or something like that.And boy, that is a trigger for my anorexic tendencies. I am trying very hard to not let it get to me and to just ignore that sick feeling I get when I think about eating and food and gaining more weight. 

I want to be healthy. I need to start making better decisions for my health. 

In the new year, I'm going to be giving up meat. I'm going to try to be a vegetarian. 

Presence

I find myself wanting to sleep a lot. A lot, a lot. It is getting really bad. I'm so lethargic and exhausted and the world seems dark and cruel and I don't know what the point is. I know, that got off to a very depressing start. But I won't keep it that way.

I am going to start working on staying present and positive and looking forward with a bright outlook. I may wake up in the morning unsure of where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life but as Hannah Hart stated in her My Drunk Kitchen video I watched last night:

It's about the journey, not the destination.

I'm not living life to get to the end of the game, I'm living life and I only have one of these so I'm going to stop wasting it on being sad and confused.

Smile, smile, Amber. Keep your chin up and just keep swimming.

Pause. Resume.

As you may have noticed, I have not posted anything in quite some time. A lot occurred in my life over the past five months. I am hoping to continue posting every day from this day forward. The reason that I stopped writing was because I was so...disgusted with myself. I broke up with my boyfriend and I demonstrated my very questionable morals for a few months, but we got back together and now...I'm here.

When I was young I had such a disillusioned view of love and relationships. I wanted to leave my home and immediately get married and start having babies and buy a big house and be a domesticated housewife. I don't want that anymore. I don't know what I want. But that's not it. At least not right now. I want adventure. I want travel. I want to learn new things, try new things, meet new people. I want to expand. I don't want this boring life.

I would love to be a travel blogger honestly. I want to learn new languages and open my eyes to the world out there.

I finished my Communications class on Thursday with an overall score of 99. I am proud of myself. I worked my ass off for that score and I hope to put the same amount of effort into my next class as well: Communication Theory. I will achieve my goals and I will not be held back.

Unfortunate.

I'm feeling really sick lately. I have not eaten well for the past few days because I just cannot bring myself to eat. It makes me want to throw up, it doesn't taste good. I want to sleep all the time so I don't have to deal with life.

I've been thinking about some things recently and I really don't know what I want to do. I know I need to make a decision and I should do so quickly so that I can take care of it. I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I want to be happy.

I've been asking so many people, isn't that the goal in life? To be happy.

There are happy moments, but I am not happy.

Flux.

I'm feeling really weird lately. I don't have much to say today. But I want to say something.

I didn't do much today, I did some dishes and then watched Law & Order: SVU. I also took a bath so that was really nice.

I'm just taking it easy.

I Made It.

I'm happy. I've made it to Friday. This has been such an exhausting week. I didn't have to wake up and do overtime today but I felt overworked and stretched to my limit.

We're all caught up. For now. Not for long though. They fired three people and we will quickly become backlogged again. I anticipate this summer to be a back and forth of offered overtime. Management can be so unreliable. They do not understand how it is to be on the floor fielding the calls and processing the forms. All they do is look at our numbers and speculate.

I hate speculation.

Sometimes I dream about quitting my job and going on the road. I'd like to drive all over the United States and just be free. I need a remote job.

At work, I joke about becoming a part time stripper and saving all my money. Sometimes I wish it wasn't a joke.

Do not let me fool you. I love my job. I love my coworkers. I'm good at this. But I'm tired.

Temporary Relief.

Yesterday, when I started my car, do you know what I heard? Sweet, sweet silence. I was so relieved to hear absolutely nothing and I breathed a long sigh of relief. I'm still worried about my car due to a few other things, but for now, I feel safer to be driving until I take it into the dealership on Monday. 

Today, is a tough day. I am worn out and we are busy. Really busy. I have so many things to get done and I've barely made a dent because I have to keep pausing my work to take phone calls. 

I also learned that my coworker, who has trained me in so much and who I look up to and am genuinely friends with, is going into a new position. I'm sad about that. But when they post her position as available I'm going to apply and I hope I get it. 

I'm eating lunch at work right now (really dinner since my 'lunch' I'd at 4:30) and there is a person sitting two tables away from me chewing with her mouth open. Disgusting. 

Pain.

I consider myself lucky and I am thankful for my journey through this life. I only experience pain every now and then. Headaches, stomachaches, pulled muscles, kinks in my neck from when I sleep wrong. I know I could experience chronic pain. I'm happy I don't.

However, the one kind of pain that I hate. The one form of pain that makes me want to curl up and cry is cramps. Specifically period cramps.

Usually on day one it feels like someone has reach up inside my uterus and scrambled my organs. Then on top of that, they decided to stick a knife in my lower back. I can't find comfort in any position that doesn't involve a heating pad and it makes it hard to focus at work.

Speaking of work, I have to leave my house in twenty minutes and right now, I'm sitting in a steaming hot bath to try to settle the cramps. It's not helping.

Here's to hoping my car is a-okay when I get out there.

Car Troubles. As Per the Usual.

I know I've been rambling on and on and on about my car, and I promise it won't always be like this but because this is what is going on in my life right now, I'm writing about it.

When I started my car after leaving work today to drive home it got weird. I turned the key and my engine started just fine. But no lights. And I mean none. No interior lights, no clock, radio, headlights, nothing. I get off work at nine o'clock at night, I can't be driving home without headlights, so I got really worried. Ten seconds later, all the lights turn on.

What?

Oh well, I drive home, ignoring the ridiculous noise my car is making (seriously, it sounds like one of those little toy cars that you pull back and let go). I was also ignoring the fact that my car is blowing HOT air out of all the vents even though my air/heat is not on. Ugh.

When I got home I added some power steering fluid to the reservoir. I'm really hoping that takes care of the dumb noise. I'm tired of sounding like an RC car.

Side note: I'm hungry.

Anxiety.

I'm a paranoid person. I always have been and always will. I assess situations and determine what all the negative outcomes could be and try to figure the likelihood of each one happening. I get very anxious and it makes it hard to be positive.

Case in point: I was so worked up about my car last night that I googled all the reasons my car might be making the sounds it is.  I stayed up until 2:30 looking up car parts and bus routes and even uber, in case I did not feel comfortable driving my car. I don't feel comfortable. But, I feel even less comfortable about riding the bus. So, I drove to work this morning.

Actually, I woke up half an hour earlier than overtime calls for so I could go to Autozone and get some power steering fluid in case that's why my car is acting up. We'll see, I guess.

Fingers crossed.

Money.

This is a big topic. Serious. Seriously serious. Not to be joked about.

Finances.

I am stressed out. I understand that this is not a new thing, to worry about money, and this definitely is not new to me. I moved out of my house more than a year ago, I have been financially independent for quite some time. I know how to budget and save and I've been doing a good job. Fantastic, I'd even say. I never have to borrow money from my mother or my grandparents. I am taking care of myself.

But. (There is always a but.)

My car battery died yesterday. I bought a new one for 150 bucks - I'm rounding way up because I'm including the installation fee, a few other little things I bought as well as the jumper cables I purchased to make myself feel safe. Now, I want to take my car to the mechanic to get my oil changed and generally just get my car checked out because I'm worried and that is going to add more of a financial strain on me.

The worst part? I have 1,500 dollars due for tuition on August 3rd. That's how life works, right? Things always pop up at the most inopportune times. I guess I will have to learn to deal with it.

I know I can manage this, I'm just going to be anxious about it until it is taken care of.

Edit: I scheduled my car to be looked at, but I gotta wait until August 1st :( I'm hoping my car is going to make it. It's gonna be about 200 dollars. I have to drive about 10-12 more times before I can take my car in, hopefully it will start every time.

Accountability

I have fallen into a rut and have decided, in order to keep myself motivated, I would start a daily blog. Even if I don't write much, I'd like to try writing everyday. I want this to be a place that I can fill with little tidbits, thoughts, memories, and goals.

I am Amber, I am twenty-one years old. I live with my boyfriend of three years and I work full-time and go to school part-time. I have not decided what I want to be when I grow up. Well, that's a lie. I want to be a writer, I want to be a mother, I want to be an artist. But none of these things seem reachable to me. At least, not where I am in my life now.

My boyfriend, who will probably be mentioned frequently, is Ryley. He is twenty-three. He works as a barista in a Starbucks in a Barnes & Noble Cafe. I also have a cat, his name is Kitkat, he's an asshole and if I talk about him it will either to boast about how adorable he is or how angry I am that he kept me up at night with his screaming.

I am going to keep this blog in order to hold myself accountable. I want to have a good life and I know that I will not get what I want without putting in the effort. I will work hard to reach my goals.