Lately, I have been having a rough time. In life, emotionally, physically, mentally...all of it.
However, I have decided that I am going to try and put more effort into being positive and happy. I have spent the past few months in a downward spiral of depression and negativity. I put a lot of energy into complaining and being pessimistic. Not entirely on purpose, but I could be directing that energy into more positive pursuits. After spending so many of my teenage years in darkness, I want to be light.
Last night, during a date, I raised the question: "Do you have any regrets in life?". This question is meaningful to me because I try my damndest to not have any regrets. I don't want to change anything in my life because I like where I am now. I mentioned to a coworker that I regret how I got back together with my ex for a brief amount of time after breaking up even though it was not truly what I wanted. However, I don't regret that, because if I didn't get back together with my ex, there is no telling what would have happened in those months and I may not have met the girl that I am currently dating.
I would go through all of that heartache, self-loathing, tears and arguments again and again if it meant that I would wind up meeting this girl.
The sun is finally out after days and days of being overcast and rainy. I am someone who is extremely influenced by the weather and I cannot wait for spring and summer. The oppression of winter seems so unbearable at times and there is no escape. But I will persevere.
Good vibes.
Sunday, March 4, 2018
Saturday, March 3, 2018
So, apparently, the last time I posted anything on this blog was on January 4, 2017. Wow.
My goal was to rock my New Year's Resolutions. To become the best version of me possible. I ended the post with: "I am going to be responsible". That was a lie. I was not responsible and I really did not improve anything about myself in 2017. I maintained my usual personality and was careless, reckless and I spiraled out of control near the end.
My mother's pancreas failed in October. She had a pancreas transplant when I was in fourth grade and it lasted about thirteen years but then it stopped regulating her insulin appropriately. In fact, she was taken to the hospital with her sugar levels somewhere above 900. If you know nothing about blood glucose levels, a normal reading is 80-120. Because of the dangers of her sugar levels falling and rising drastically and dangerously, she is planning on moving out to California to live with my grandparents because we don't have any other family around her to really keep an eye on her and I cannot move back in with her. Not because I don't care about her; but because I need to live my own life. I need to be my own person.
The stress of 2017 did not disappear on January 1st of 2018. In fact, I am probably more stressed. So much so that I have been launched into a spiral of depression naps and the unnerving numbness of apathy almost all the time.
I'm trying to be realistic with my goals; but honestly, I don't have any.
My goal was to rock my New Year's Resolutions. To become the best version of me possible. I ended the post with: "I am going to be responsible". That was a lie. I was not responsible and I really did not improve anything about myself in 2017. I maintained my usual personality and was careless, reckless and I spiraled out of control near the end.
My mother's pancreas failed in October. She had a pancreas transplant when I was in fourth grade and it lasted about thirteen years but then it stopped regulating her insulin appropriately. In fact, she was taken to the hospital with her sugar levels somewhere above 900. If you know nothing about blood glucose levels, a normal reading is 80-120. Because of the dangers of her sugar levels falling and rising drastically and dangerously, she is planning on moving out to California to live with my grandparents because we don't have any other family around her to really keep an eye on her and I cannot move back in with her. Not because I don't care about her; but because I need to live my own life. I need to be my own person.
The stress of 2017 did not disappear on January 1st of 2018. In fact, I am probably more stressed. So much so that I have been launched into a spiral of depression naps and the unnerving numbness of apathy almost all the time.
I'm trying to be realistic with my goals; but honestly, I don't have any.
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