Pressing On

09.13.2020

I am not sure why there are occasions where I sleep in. I used to say that I was not a "Morning Person" and sometimes I still believe that is true. However, when I force myself to get out of bed; even though I'd like to sleep until noon, I feel so much better. I get up, drink coffee, do dishes, work out. I get things done as the sun is rising in the sky. I scroll mindlessly on my phone as I take in the aesthetic of other people's mornings and evenings and days that seem so much fuller than mine are. 

I wonder if that is why people have children. To give their life some sense of purpose. I read something yesterday that stated that Big Joys and Small Joys are the same. So whether I am finding enjoyment from reading a book or watching a tv show, or in more monumental ways such as going on adventures or getting a new job; it is all the same. It is all success. I do not need Big Joys to be a happy person. I can live simply. I do not have to live to impress other people. I do not have to live in such a way that I am worthy of talking about. 

I think I am going to work on trying to be more present and being happy with my Little Joys. Playing a new Switch game, reading a book, going on a walk and running a little longer than I did before. After all, it is the little things that make up my life. And my life is a pretty Big Joy, overall. 

Floating

 Every post I make is a cry for help to no one. I want to have purpose and a direction to head in and yet here I am, floating through life and trying to get from one paycheck to the next while doing nothing in between. What happened to making life an adventure? What happened to living in the moment and experiencing life instead of hoping for the future? I have far too many questions and no one to answer them. 

I am drowning in my own high expectations of my life. I am lost. 

I don't know how to find the path I need to be on. 

I am trying to be happy with walking in circles and repeating the mundane over and over, but I don't think I will ever be content in this.

Mood Swings

At the end of last year, back before I moved from Richland to Harrisburg. I was seeing a therapist. I was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder. After this diagnosis, I abruptly quit seeing this therapist because I moved and the commute to therapy once a week was too long and I didn't really have the money to afford the costly appointments any longer. 

However, I have not been able to seek any sort of treatment for my issues and I only feel that they have gotten worse as time passes. I feel like my symptoms are more and more pronounced; even if only to me. My mood swings are the worst, by far. Everything I feel is an extreme reaction. I do not feel anything halfway. My anger and sadness are the feelings I'm having the most trouble with. I'm having a hard time controlling myself and my actions and I can sense that my girlfriend is very concerned. 

When I feel anger, it is in my shoulders and back. It builds in my muscles; coiling around my bones. It makes it hard to breathe and think. I just want to scream, or run, or do anything that will wear out my body because the energy that is trapped is far too much for me to contain for too long. 

Sadness is different. Sadness is heavy and it chokes me. I turn to tears easily and I usually cannot stop them from falling down my face. Crying helps. But not for long. And these dips into melancholy evenings are exhausting. I am worn down by my day and usually collapse into my bed, a blanket over my face and sobs stuck in my throat. I try to hide my feelings often but my girlfriend is not blind, she is not dumb, and she recognizes my violent swings into different moods. 

I don't know the trigger that pushes me over the edge toward one feeling or the other but I think I am overwhelmed and I do not know how to get away from it. I cannot get a hold on my life and I'm tipping precariously into a territory that I do not know how to manage. But for now, I am on the precipice. For now, I am okay. I am taking one day at a time. 

I go to sleep and I wake up and I do yoga to center myself. I ground myself and remember how to breath. I build myself up from the wreckage from the night before because; most likely, I will fall apart again in the evening. The sun starts to disappear and so does my resolve. 

I am working on staying whole in the dark. 

Writing helps.  

Directionless

07.25.2020

I think that, in order to have "purpose" in my life, I need to have goals. I need to have a direction to run head first in. I crave something to look forward to. Without it, I am just floating through the days mindlessly. I am repeating the same day over and over and over again and it is driving me insane. It is making me feel empty. I want something to work for. I'm at a crossroads now and I am trying to decide on what direction I want to go in.

Do I take a class? Do I get my Medical Assistant certificate? I'm a GI Technician now and that is sort of similar, so it could be beneficial to get that certification. Should I get involved in a sport? I've been considering getting into boxing, or jiu jitsu, or rock climbing. Something physical that would make me feel better about myself and also get me up and moving. Something to get better at.

I've had a path to follow for so long. Moving, then moving again, then getting a new job. It all distracted me from boredom and kept me going. But now I'm going to work everyday to a job that is much easier than I anticipated. I am exhausted from work every day but part of me wonders if that is because I don't have anything to do after work. I just lay down on the couch and veg until I fall asleep and nap for an hour and a half.

I don't know what to get involved in. But the place to start is to research different things. I don't have a lot of money right now. Not until I get up and going with the pay at my new job, so I need to find something that is not too expensive for the moment. Or, at least, not too long standing. If I only have to make a one time large payment for a class, that may be doable.

A New Beginning

May 11, 2020

I suppose I should start this in the same way that most of my entries begin. A lot has changed in the past few months. I am moving...again. I am moving from an apartment that I do not very much like with my roommate who is an old coworker to a new apartment that is a significant improvement with my girlfriend.

Yes, I have a new girlfriend. I seem to have gone through quite a few relationships during the course of this blog. It is not much of a blog anyways, more of a biannual reminder of how much my life is a complete whirlwind; honestly. Ironically (or maybe not really), my girlfriend is not the "hope" I was talking about at the end of my last entry. That was another girl entirely and I am not sorry to say that while she did in fact give me hope, she was not right for me.

My girlfriend is perfect for me. I have never felt so complete in a relationship. Never so heard or understood without having to explain or say anything. We feel so deeply in such a similar way. Our connection is different and stronger than I have ever experienced. She is a dream. She has green eyes and a loud infectious laugh and she knows just how to make me smile. She is beautiful and funny and thoughtful. I am so excited that in just four days, we will be moving in together and we will be truly starting our life.

I'm considering a new job. I don't really have much to say about that. I am tired of driving over an hour to and from work. I want to work closer to home and I'm not quite sure that I am cut out to be an EMT. I do love my job, but with this Pandemic Nonsense, I've become too overwhelmed. I am tired.